“The world breaks everyone, and afterwards many are strong in the broken places.”
-Ernest Hemingway
“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”
Nelson Mandela
Those two quotes open Megan Feldman Bettencourt’s newly-released Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World, and above them my post-it note reads, “In love already!”
We talk a lot about forgiveness, but it’s usually in a “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us,” lord’s prayer-y kind of way.
Which generally makes us think forgiveness is a moral virtue, and something that really only someone like, well, Jesus or Buddha is actually capable of.
Bettencourt’s book explores the practice of forgiveness not as a moralistic commandment we should follow simply to be good, but “as a crucial skill in the pursuit of a healthy, fulfilling life.”
Research in psychology tells us that holding on to resentment and anger are bad for us both physically and emotionally, and learning to forgive makes us healthier and allows us to live cooperatively with other trespassers human beings. So, if we want to live a happy, meaningful life, we better work on forgiveness.
Because trespassers gonna trespass.
So what exactly is forgiveness? We have a lot of misconceptions about it — for example, that it means being weak, not demanding justice, excusing reprehensible behavior, or letting yourself be treated badly. (It’s not any of those things.)
Forgiveness means giving up resentment. It’s often far less about the person we are forgiving than it is about ourselves. As one of my mindfulness instructors says, forgiveness lets YOU off the hook, not the person who wronged you.
And how do we do that? How do we forgive?
Bettencourt’s research includes dozens of examples of forgiveness, including parents who have forgiven those who murdered their children, spouses who have forgiven their partner’s infidelity, genocide victims who have participated in restorative justice programs, and siblings who have forgiven the Columbine shooters for taking their family members. If those people can learn to forgive, certainly we can, too.
Researcher Robert Enright of the University of Wisconsin-Madison identifies four steps in the process of forgiveness:
- Uncovering your anger — how do you experience your anger? how is your anger and resentment affecting you?
- Deciding to forgive — is your anger working for you? can you set the intention to forgive?
- Working on forgiveness — can you fully experience the pain this person caused, and develop a level of understanding of the offender?
- Discovery and release from emotional prison — have others suffered as you have? can you find some meaning or purpose in your suffering?
So how do we do that? Here’s one of my favorite lines from Bettencourt’s book: “As I studied forgiveness in practice, it struck me that the daily habits that facilitate forgiveness seem to especially overlap with Buddhist practices.” Well, of course.
Forgiveness is not a one-time thing; it is a habit.
Learning to forgive requires acceptance — acknowledging that what happened happened, “instead of wishing it were different.” We may need to reframe the story that we keep telling ourselves about our pain, but we cannot change the past.
It involves nonjudgment as we agree to let go of poisonous anger and resentment. One of the researchers Bettencourt interviewed described the process of “finding ‘the impersonal in the hurt’ by realizing how many other people have experienced a similar offense or disappointment and how common it is, as well as acknowledging that most offenses are committed without the intention of hurting anyone personally.”
And forgiveness absolutely needs compassion — a fundamental component of forgiveness practices is attempting to understand the offender. This doesn’t mean that you condone their actions, but that you see them as a flawed human being who struggles with the same human condition that you do.
One of the most important points Bettencourt makes in Triumph of the Heart is that, based on research in psychology and anthropology, forgiveness is just as natural a human behavior as vengeance. Given our evolutionary predispositions to both destroy and forgive trespassers, the crucial determinant of which choice we will make is our environment.
Do we live in a community that embraces restorative practices? Have we been taught how to reframe our life narrative and find meaning in the broken places? Do we know that we are hard-wired for compassion and empathy? Have we been taught practices like mindfulness and meditation, that teach us to stay with the unease and to recognize when our thoughts are making us suffer?
There are so many ways we can structure our communities, our schools, and our families so that we encourage cooperation and forgiveness rather than vengeance and resentment. I would agree with Bettencourt that mindfulness is one of the best vehicles to get us there. I loved her description of mindfulness as a practice that,
“allows us to explore and know our own suffering, wandering its halls and running our fingers down its walls, to eventually arrive at the gilded room that is compassion for everyone, including ourselves.”
Compassion.
The more I practice and study and teach mindfulness and healthy living, the more I am convinced that this is the fundamental practice that allows us to live joyfully. If we can hold ourselves — our thoughts, our bodies, our actions — and others with compassion and understanding, WE WILL CHANGE THE WORLD.
Want to learn more about forgiveness? I definitely recommend Triumph of the Heart. In the appendix of the book, you will find several practices for forgiveness, including basic mindfulness instruction, and strategies for developing empathy, examining your grievance narratives, clearing away the past, cultivating self-compassion, and seeking redemption. There are also some instructions for implementing restorative practices in your school, community, or family.
TWO COOL ANNOUNCEMENTS!
The first is… A Giveaway!
I am so excited to share that Hudson Street Press has generously offered to give one copy of Triumph of the Heart to a Left Brain Buddha reader! You can enter the giveaway below — the giveaway ends at midnight CST on Friday, August 28th.
a Rafflecopter giveaway
The second is… My Online Mindfulness Course for Beginners!
I am INCREDIBLY excited to announce that the fall session of my mindfulness course for beginners, Brilliant Mindful YOU, will start on September 14th!
This course will teach you how to start your own mindfulness practice, and will include lots of strategies for coping with stress and anxiety, dealing with negative emotions, and cultivating healthy practices like compassion, forgiveness, and gratitude. You can learn more about the course here — I would LOVE to have you in class!!!
Disclosures: I received a free review copy of Triumph of the Heart from the Hudson Street Press. I have not been compensated for this review.
This post contains affiliate links. If you click on a link and make a purchase, I will earn a small commission at no cost to you. I only use affiliate links for products I whole-heartedly recommend.
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