I get nervous when I hear about parenting approaches that are “child-centered.”
Perhaps it’s because I’m a teacher and I don’t like the phrase “student-centered.” It’s not that I don’t care about my students or their needs, but I don’t think they are the center of the classroom. I don’t think I am the center of the classroom, either. What is central in the classroom is what’s in the space between student and teacher — relationships, content, and skills. When something or someone is the center, another part or person gets relegated to the periphery.
Instead, we exist in the spaces between, settling into our sweetspots somewhere away from the extremes.
So I admit I cringed a little bit when, a few pages into Tovah Klein’s new parenting book How Toddlers Thrive, I read that she advocates a “child-centered approach” to raising toddlers. Images of Lord of the Preschool Flies went through my head — toddlers running amok, eating cookies for breakfast, shoving kids just because they can, and never brushing teeth or washing behind their ears.
I scribbled in the margin of my book, “Isn’t there a space between parent-centered and child-centered parenting?” Isn’t parenting a practice of finding our own sweetspot?
I was relieved as I discovered that Klein’s approach did not, in fact, end up with a tot stealing the conch and destroying any attempt at civilized living. Klein explains that we need to become “disentangled from the battles, calm and clear enough to respond to what our child is really needing at any given moment.” We must drop our attachments to specific outcomes in terms of what we desire from our children. Though she never uses the phrase, many of her ideas align with mindful parenting. In fact, I think her approach finds the space between parent-centered and child-centered, in which the most essential element is how we relate to the present moment in the practice of parenting, and how we teach our children to do the same in the practice of childhood.
While my children have already sailed past toddlerhood {which Klein defines as ages 2-5}, I found many ideas in this book that can help us navigate the stormy seas of parenting. The suggestions Klein offers are intended to teach children skills for self-regulation, focus, attention, problem solving, and handling difficult emotions.
There were, however, several aspects of Klein’s approach to parenting toddlers that I disagreed with — you’ll find those referenced at the end.
The strategies that I found most helpful were those that addressed “the space between” in a variety of contexts, and are listed below.
The Space Between Baby and Child: The Toddler Brain
Human infants are born with immature brains and nervous systems. They depend upon the stable nervous systems of adults “to calm them and help them regulate”; this is done primarily through touch. Infants are primed to seek out the hugs and snuggles and soft voices of caregivers. But once they become toddlers, they begin to show a desire for independence, even though the prefrontal cortex, responsible for judgment and thinking, is nowhere near fully developed. {Many neuroscientists today say the PFC is not fully developed until our early 20s.}
And this is exactly why toddler behavior can be so infuriating – one day they want help with their shoes, the next day “I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF!!!!!!”
Klein advocates parents take time to pause and see a situation from their child’s point of view. A toddler may take a long time getting ready not because they want you to be late for work, but because they want to show their autonomy. It’s not personal. When our children shout that they HATE US and they are MOVING OUT OF THE HOUSE because we are THE WORST MOMMY IN THE HISTORY OF MOMMIES {purely hypothetical examples}, they are really saying, “I’m angry!!” or “I’m frustrated!!”
Understanding the toddler brain means seeing the space between their mind and yours, between what they say and what they actually mean, between how they’re acting and what’s really going on.
The Space Between Totalitarianism and Anarchy: Meals with Toddlers
Do you have a picky eater? Klein has several helpful suggestions for surviving mealtime with toddlers. She strongly recommends that you do not become a short-order cook, making chicken nuggets and pb&j on demand. Instead, ensure that each meal has at least something in it you know your child will eat. She suggests having several additional small dishes (rice, cheese, etc.) on the table that family members can choose from. This empowers your toddler to make a choice of what to eat, but you have set the standards by selecting what choices are available.
Klein also advises that dinner should be about anything BUT the meal. Talk about your day, maybe share what you are grateful for, but avoid shaming children for how little they are eating. Klein states that children eat more when no one notices or comments on what they eat, although she does not provide evidence of that claim.
Klein argues that children should decide when they are done eating. All the parental pleas for “one more bite!” prevent children from developing an awareness of their appetite and sensing when they are full. And she strongly advises against a practice we use frequently in our home – using dessert as a bribe for eating dinner.
The Space Between Indulgence and Shame: Dealing with Tantrums
Klein argues that the most important component of raising happy children is teaching them to deal with setbacks and unpleasant emotions.
When our children are overwhelmed by strong emotions, they need to know that we can empathize with them. It doesn’t mean we indulge them to end the tantrum, but we can offer up an “I know it’s frustrating that you wanted Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast and then we discovered we didn’t have any.” We can help our children develop an emotional vocabulary by labeling their feelings and talking about them.
Tantrums are ABSOLUTELY NORMAL in toddlers. The best thing to do when a tantrum hits is pretty much nothing — don’t offer choices that will overwhelm them (as their reptilian and mammalian brains are in control, not their executive functions), don’t shame them or plead with them to be quiet. Simply take a deep breath, and wait it out. It will pass. Then give them a hug. The paradox of the toddler world is that at the same time they want to be independent, they also need to know that we are always there for them.
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Klein ends with a final chapter that includes her list of 15 “new seeds for success” for parenting toddlers. I agreed with many of them, including allowing children to learn through play, letting go of perfection, developing routines, and setting limits and boundaries.
But I was absolutely taken aback by the recommendation to “stop praising your child.” Klein argues that “cheering them on knocks them down,” as it is simply a way of controlling the child by rewarding them for behavior you have decided you want. She recommends we simply smile and hug but not offer verbal praise! We should allow the child to feel their accomplishment on their own. While I know we’ve gone a bit over the top lately with disingenuous praise and giving everyone a trophy, I think praise for hard work and achievement is absolutely essential for our children. And there ARE certain behaviors that kids do need to learn to be a member of a human community, so I will continue to praise my children for their awesomeness and their kindness to others.
Klein also advises we accept our children for who they are. I obviously agree with that, but I winced at some of the wording she used: “let your child know that you love her for all she is — good and bad,” or “your child is learning to accept that sometimes I am good and sometimes I am bad.” Our children are good. PERIOD. I never want my child to think, “I am bad.” It is so important to me that my children know that they are wholly good. Sometimes they do bad things, but they are not bad. Sometimes they act or speak unskillfully, but they are full of an inner light that is pure goodness.
I want my children to say, “I am good, but sometimes I make mistakes. I am good, but sometimes I say mean things.” These words are the essence of self-compassion, and help us nurture our compassion for others. This perspective allows us to discover that just because someone said something mean to us, it doesn’t mean they are a “bad” person. Call me naïve, but I want my children to see goodness in people’s hearts. I want them to have compassion, even for those who act unskillfully — because we all do.
Ultimately, I believe the way we teach our toddlers to THRIVE is to teach them how to relate to the present moment, whatever events and emotions it may contain. That’s a powerful lesson to help parents thrive, too.
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You can read more responses to Tovah Klein’s How Toddlers Thrive from my fellow Brilliant Book Club bloggers!
“With Toddlers, The Name of the Game is Empathy” by Deb of Urban Moo Cow
“Of Muffins and Meltdowns” by Jessica Smock of School of Smock
“Should Young Kids Be Expected to Listen to Their Parents?” by Lauren Apfel of Omnimom
“Shaming of the Twos: Finding a Better Way to Parent Your Toddler” by Stephanie Sprenger of Mommy, For Real
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