The Around the World In Six Weeks Parenting Blog Carnival continues today!
Over the next several weeks, Deb of Urban Moo Cow, Jessica of School of Smock, Lauren of Omnimom, Stephanie of Mommy, For Real, and I will be writing about our reactions to Christine Gross-Loh’s Parenting Without Borders, exploring parenting practices around the world. For more information about the Parenting Blog Carnival, and future topics, click here.
Today we are discussing Chapter 4 about Self-Esteem.
*****
I had a hard time with this post. I kept putting off writing it.
I’d think, maybe I do praise my kids too much. Why was I cheering and telling them “good job!” as they, of all things, whacked at a pinata at a party? That’s not really a skill I need to build with silly cheerleading.
But then I’d think, my children are awesome! They are beautiful, funny, insightful, creative, clever…. There will be so many voices in what Brene Brown calls our “never-enough” culture telling them they’re not rich enough, smart enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, or Facebook-liked enough…. Can’t their mother be allowed to tell them how wonderful they are?
And then I’d think of the Buddhist teaching that there actually is no such thing as a “self” to be esteemed anyway… I was a mess.
Then, in yoga class on Sunday morning, the instructor opened the class by telling us to let everything go as we laid on our mats. “This is your selfish time,” she said. “Your time for you.”
That’s it! I thought, clearly not letting it all go. {Have I mentioned my problems with quieting my mind in yoga? :)}
That’s the problem ~ we think self-care is selfish! But Parker Palmer beautifully reminds us:
And I think the same thing goes for self-esteem. If we don’t feel good about ourselves, how can we practice care and compassion for others?
What is Self-Esteem?
Christine Gross-Loh opens this chapter with what I think is a misstated question. She asks, “Can self-esteem be harmful?” I think most psychologists and child development researchers would answer that question with a resounding, “NO!” Self-esteem, defined as our sense of ourselves as capable, and worthy of love and respect, is fundamental to human thriving.
Gross-Loh contends we have twisted the concept of self-esteem into something that it wasn’t intended to be. She writes that the concept was first introduced in psychology in 1890, as “something that grows when you achieve a goal that is important to you,” but has now morphed into “our right to be happy and feel good no matter what.” We’ve turned it into narcissism.
She writes that “parents and educators send children the message that their needs and their individual happiness and dreams are more important than other things, like being a compassionate, hard-working person.” But I don’t think many parents or teachers would even agree that that is what we mean by “building self-esteem.”
She further claims, “The fact is that excessive self-esteem can do more harm than good.” And then she tells us that Hitler had high self-esteem. Really? Maybe we’ve gone a bit far as a culture in terms of giving-everyone-a-trophy, but I don’t think we can equate praising our children with raising evil dictators.
I Don’t See the Crisis
I’m writing this post on Sunday morning, after learning of the death of another young, talented Hollywood star. We don’t yet know the cause, but we know he struggled with addiction and inner demons. I just finished a school year in which our school community dealt with suicides and the drug-related deaths of recent graduates. I teach amazing, intelligent, and successful students. But all too often I learn that these same students struggle with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or abuse, and it breaks my heart. I guess I just don’t see a crisis in excessive self-esteem.
I think the fundamental problem is that, as a culture, we’ve assumed self-esteem is about selfishness. And I think this chapter, perhaps unwittingly, perpetuates this notion, despite Gross-Loh’s caution that there is “a fine line between feeling good about yourself, and being narcissistic or entitled.”
Self-esteem is not selfish. What is the opposite of having high self-esteem? It’s feeling you are not good enough. Flawed. Unworthy of love, respect and belonging. It is shame. Brene Brown, in Daring Greatly, writes that shame “is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying.” Problems we know afflict too many children and teens each year. {Gross-Loh does cite data about the unhappiness of American children, but implicates self-esteem-as-teaching-our-children-they-are-the-center-of-the-universe as the culprit}.
Building Self-Esteem Through a Growth Mindset
Gross-Loh argues that instead of simply praising kids, we need to teach them resilience. An important part of that is not protecting children from failure, and allowing them to learn to solve problems on their own. She says we should teach kids a growth mindset ~ they can work hard, practice, and improve. And that will foster a positive self-concept.
This means children should be praised for effort instead of innate talent. Gross-Loh cites a study by Carol Dweck of Stanford University, in which children who were told, “You are so smart!” were less likely to attempt a difficult problem, for fear of not being seen as smart, than children who were told, “You worked so hard to solve that!” I agree with Gross-Loh that children should be taught a growth mindset, but I think we need to praise their talents and gifts as well. I can’t imagine raising my daughter and never telling her, “You are a great {swimmer, reader, sister, etc}!”
What Self-Esteem is Not
Self-esteem is not about disingenuous praise. Kids know when we’re not being honest with them. At my son’s recent 4-year checkup, we learned he is at precisely the first percentile for height. The pediatrician reassured us he’s healthy, but warned us he likely would not be the center on the basketball team. I’m not going to tell my son that if he “works hard enough,” he’ll make the basketball team in his high school of 3000+ students.
You will find many strengths, my dear
But I will tell him he is awesome, amazing, lovable, and wonderful just as he is.
Building self-esteem also does not mean we indulge our children and praise all that they do. {“What a great drawing you made on the wall in your bedroom! And what a lovely choice to use permanent marker!”}
Brene Brown, in The Gifts of Imperfection, says “It’s hard for us to understand that we can be compassionate and accepting while we hold people accountable for their behaviors.” The important thing is to separate our child from their behavior. There is a crucial difference between feeling guilt, which can sometimes serve a purpose {“I did something bad”} as opposed to shame {“I am bad.”}
I remember my daughter putting on a brand new outfit for the Fourth of July a few years ago. Admiring her new digs in the full-length mirror, she smiled and said, “Wow. I look goooooooood!”
I thought, I want to bottle up that self-esteem and bathe you in it when you are 13! That wasn’t arrogance, it was a child who felt good in her body. That’s what I want for my daughter.
I hope you always feel this confident, sweetheart
Helping our Kids THRIVE
For over 50 years, the Search Institute has studied child development and what makes children thrive. Among their 40 Developmental Assets to “help young people grow up healthy, caring, and responsible” is self-esteem.
{I strongly encourage you to watch this TED Talk by Peter Benson, former president of the Search Institute. This is powerful stuff for everyone to hear ~ parents, teachers, and human beings!}
Benson says if you ask any parent what their highest aspirations are for their child, it’s not good grades or a great job. It is for their child to be joyful, kind, compassionate, and to contribute to the world. In a word, to THRIVE. To do that, kids need to feel worthy and lovable. But by adolescence, he claims, most kids are not on the pathway to thriving ~ they feel alone, empty, lost, and confused.
In his TED Talk, Benson encourages us help kids thrive by identifying the skills and talents, commitments, and/or qualities that fill them with hope, joy, and energy. Their spirit and their passion. Benson calls these their Sparks. Most kids can identify their Sparks, but only half say their families know about and nourish them.
I think self-esteem is so much bigger than Gross-Loh describes it. It’s lighting up from within. It’s knowing and nurturing our Sparks. It’s about not covering up our innate goodness and love with negative self-talk. If we don’t have self-esteem, how can we share our gifts with the world?
Benson reassures us it’s not about being “good” or “bad” at something ~ it’s about coming alive.
One of my Sparks is dancing. It makes me feel creative and alive, and brings me joy and energy. Yet I wouldn’t call myself a “great dancer.” {I don’t think it is an accident that I am always put in the back row on stage!}
But I am a dancer.
So maybe self-esteem isn’t even about whether we tell our kids “You’re working so hard at reading!” versus “You are great at reading!”
Maybe it’s about dropping the adjectives all together. “You are a reader!” And letting our children know that some readers are fast, some are slow, and we all mispronounce words sometimes. But you are a reader.
Even Superheroes get stuck, and that’s okay
I call my students “scholars.” Scholars love to learn, they ask questions, they strive to improve. They don’t always get A’s. And that’s okay. You are enough. You are not your grades.
Self-Esteem, Wholeheartedness, and Compassion
May you always embrace life with your whole heart!
Brene Brown tells us that “wholehearted people … wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough… I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.” If that’s self-esteem {and I think it is!}, then sign my kids up!
Self-esteem isn’t selfish. It is the beginning of compassion. Self-compassion is essential for compassion for others. And compassion, according to religious scholar Karen Armstrong, requires “that one dethrone the self from the center of one’s world and put another there.”
That’s about as far from selfishness as you can get.
*****
You can download lists of the 40 Developmental Assets for Youth at the Search Institute website here.
You can download Brene Brown’s Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto {which currently hangs in my kitchen!} here.
*****
Read more reactions to Gross-Loh’s chapter “Can Self-Esteem Be Harmful?” from the following bloggers in the Parenting Blog Carnival:
Deb @ Urban Moo Cow: Which is More Important: Intelligence or Resilience?
Jessica @ School of Smock: “I Can’t Stop Praising My Kid!”: An Unfortunate Update
Lauren @ Omnimom: I’d Say He’s Average
Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real: Is Your Child in the Gifted Program?
Stephanie @ When Crazy Meets Exhaustion: Don’t Let Your Kid Become Arrogant
- A Mindful Approach to New Year’s Resolutions - January 13, 2020
- Just This Next Step - December 16, 2019
- WAIT: A Mindfulness Practice for Waiting in Line - December 9, 2019
