Enjoy this highlight from the Left Brain Buddha vault! (originally published March 2014)
A few weeks ago at a doctor’s appointment, my doctor asked me about my children. I gave her the regular updates, and also mentioned my daughter’s tantrums and anger and attitude that had been driving me crazy lately. I told her how I was trying to teach mindfulness strategies to my daughter, encouraging her to take deep breaths or use her mind jar when she needs to calm down.
“Or maybe you should just send her outside to run around,” my doctor suggested.
I laughed, and didn’t think much more of it.
Last night we had another rough night. When it came time to get ready for dance class, the screaming began. “I don’t WANT to go to dance!”
As I helped her with her dance clothes, the pouting continued. I was again named the “worst mommy in the history of mommies” {truly, it’s an honor just to be nominated…} When I informed her that I would not assist her with her tights while she yelled at me, she began stomping around her room and slamming doors. My suggestions for her to “focus on her breath” had, predictably, no helpful effect.
I left the room, rather than fuel the fire. But the inferno raged. When my husband attempted to intervene, she proclaimed that she has the worst family EVER and would soon be leaving us.
Somehow, she finally got dressed and got in the car. As we drove to dance class, I repeated my standard lines about how it’s okay to be angry, but that it’s not okay to yell and say hurtful things to people. I reminded her of how we can take deep breaths to calm our bodies so we don’t get so wrapped up in our powerful feelings.
“Breathing only makes me MORE mad,” she insisted.
“What about concentrating on tracing your hand, or rubbing your hands together to calm down?” I suggested.
“NO. That just makes my hands feel weird.”
I thought of an idea I had seen online. “How about we create a Calm Down Box for you? We can decorate a special box, and you can put things in it that would help you calm down. You could put a stuffed animal, or a feather, or your little Buddha in it. We could make one this weekend!” I began to envision a calm art project day—
“That just sounds like a dumb box,” she replied.
Exasperated, I said, “Well, you need to figure out some way to calm yourself down when you get so angry. It’s not okay to yell and hurt people.”
“What do you think you could do?” I asked.
“I could do a hundred jumping jacks,” she suggested.
DOH! {Face-palm} I flashed back to the doctor’s office. I calm down by sitting and breathing. I calm down during yoga. Why would I assume the same would work for her? Why didn’t this mindful mama realize that her daughter might be different? Maybe she needs to run around the house and do jumping jacks!
She was still a bit sullen as we walked into the dance studio, but once class began she was all smiles as she jumped, twirled, and shuffled. She was in a much better mood on the ride home.
I shared my epiphany with her. “You seem to feel better now after dance class. Maybe doing jumping jacks or other active things would be a good way for you to calm down,” I suggested.
“Or I could dance!” she offered.
When we got home, instead of making a “dumb” calm down box, she decided to make a list of the active things she could do to help calm down, or more likely, burn off energy, when she got mad. She placed it next to the Buddha on the table in our calm down place.
It reads:
Calm Hula Hoop Jump rope Dance Ride Nap*****
We will continue sitting and breathing together. We’ll continue using the mind jars. But we’ll also jump and hula hoop and dance. And then take a nap.
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