A week from today it will be Halloween. My 8th Halloween with children. Reflecting on the last eight Octobers, beginning with the October of 2006 in which my daughter was born, I am caught in that strange place between wondering how it’s all gone so fast, and yet feeling that the time before my children were born was an entire lifetime ago.
As my father always tells me, “The days are long, but the years are short.”
For me, motherhood has been a journey in proving the truth of that maxim. I remember many long, hard, difficult days, especially when my children were babies and I struggled with depression and anxiety.
And then I look through these old photographs of Halloweens past, and I am shocked by how young my children look {and, in some cases, how young my husband and I look!} When did they start looking so grown up? How did these years go by so fast?
I think part of the beauty of holidays, especially when we take lots of photos, is that they ingrain our “snapshot” memories. As we look at those photographs again, we remember the emotion, the weather, the scenery, and the “us” of that very day. We can see our growth and transformation occurring right in front of us, like looking through one of those flip books we used to love as kids.
For example, here’s what Halloween was like for me in 2005, before I had children:
Yes, we were THOSE people who made their poor dog wear a costume.
And I can remember the me behind that camera, still recovering emotionally from my miscarriage, and wondering if I would ever have children.
And then here’s 2006:
Dog does not look amused about his new position in the household.
I remember this next costume from 2007 ~ the Pumpkin Fairy. I remember bringing Abby to daycare in her costume, and then bringing her home and taking pictures of her walking around the house. She had just learned to walk about two weeks before that Halloween.
Halloween 2008, we trick-or-treated with our dear neighbors and friends, for our October daughters were only five days apart, and we had bonded over our simultaneous journey into new parenthood. Yet this Halloween was colored with a bit of sadness, for we knew that these great friends, and our daughter’s best buddy, would be moving away the following week.
But there was also joy in this Halloween, for, though you cannot tell it here, I was about 6 weeks pregnant with my son.
{I’m hoping that was a decaf coffee. Though this could explain some things…}
Which meant that the Halloween of 2009 was a bit crazier. Very crazy, in fact. I remember Halloween was on a Saturday, and my husband was gone all day for high school football playoffs. I had arranged for my dad to take my daughter trick-or-treating, while I stayed home with my son, then 4 months old.
But that morning, my daughter woke up with a 104-degree fever! It was the height of the H1N1 crisis, so we had to enter the doctor’s office through the back receiving door, where we were met by nurses wearing hazmat suits. {OK, really they were just wearing surgical masks, but to my feverish daughter they might as well have been dressed up like Halloween aliens.}
It turned out to only be strep throat, not H1N1, but I agonized over trick-or-treating. Should I let her go? It’s not like she could just go out the next night! My dad came over early to help me, as I had not yet figured out how to care for an infant while keeping his strep-infected sister away. After dosing her with Tylenol and ibuprofen all day, this adorable little kitty cat rallied, and visited about a dozen houses with her grandfather before calling it a night. Whew!
The following Halloween of 2010 is part of a difficult memory for me. The Saturday before Halloween, we took the children to an outdoor shopping area’s trick-or-treating party. It was my son’s first time gathering candy.
For me, this was my first day of starting antidepressants. I had finally reached out, over a year after my son’s birth and my depression not getting any better, and I had seen a psychiatrist. She had started me on too high of a dose ~ I vaguely remember feeling terribly fuzzy-headed and disoriented as we walked around the shops with my family. Could my parents tell I was acting differently? I didn’t want anyone to know I was struggling.
But I think the pictures show it…
A year later, we’d figured out the right medications. My husband had remarked, “I have my friend back.”
For Halloween 2011, we had a happy cow and princess…
Dog now relegated to the house, with no costume.
… and a happy and playful mama.
By 2012, we had moved to a new house, having left old friends, but we had already made new ones in our new neighborhood. My children went trick-or-treating with the neighbor kids who are now their best friends. Their parents are now our dear friends.
And the kids had a blast.
I love looking at my personal Halloween flip book. Forgive the obvious metaphor, but my motherhood candy bag is full of tricks and treats:
…from the Halloween of the Dressed Up Dog…
…to the monster that entered our lives in 2006…
…who tiptoed like a fairy by 2007…
…who had made friends who loved her by 2008…
…to the Crazy Halloween of the Feverish Cat of 2009…
…to the dark Halloween of Witches and Lions in 2010…
…to awakening from the fog {like Snow White waking from her slumber with a kiss from… a cow? I wish I’d picked costumes that better fit the metaphor!} by Halloween of 2011…
…to finally arriving at the Halloween of Bravery and SuperHero Strength in 2012…
…I can see not only how my children have grown, but how I have grown as well.
This year, our Halloween story will continue ~ we’ll find our voice with Ariel, and discover new superhero powers with The Flash!
There were long, dark, and tricky days, and in some ways I am glad they passed in a blur. We are all in a better place now.
I’m nine Halloweens into my motherhood journey. I figure I have fewer than nine Halloweens of costumes and trick-or-treating left.
I’m glad I’m getting better at savoring the treats.
*****
This post is part of the Finish the Sentence Friday linkup. Click here to read more posts finishing the sentence, “One Halloween, I…”
- A Mindful Approach to New Year’s Resolutions - January 13, 2020
- Just This Next Step - December 16, 2019
- WAIT: A Mindfulness Practice for Waiting in Line - December 9, 2019
