How many times do you think you have asked your children to “pay attention”?
How many times do you think you have told them to “calm down”?
It’s probably about A MILLION BILLION, right? But…
Have you ever taught them HOW to pay attention? HOW to calm down?
Being able to focus our attention and regulate our emotions are two of the most important skills we must develop as human beings… and they are precisely the skills we assume everyone knows how to do naturally! (WE may not even know how to do these things very well as grown-ups… ahem…)
One way we can help our children nurture these essential skills is by teaching them mindfulness — the ability to focus their attention on the present moment, and their ability to know what they’re feeling when they’re feeling it (and what might be a good thing to do about it).
Five Strategies for Teaching Mindfulness to Children
1. Validate their emotions.
How many times have we said, “You’re okay,” “Stop crying,” “It’s not that big of a deal…”? Well, it IS a big deal to children. In fact, children are probably better than all of us at mindfulness ~ they live almost completely in the present moment! {They don’t have the past regrets and future worries us grown-ups carry around}. The frustration, anger, or fear they feel is very real. Let them know it’s okay to be angry, or sad. What we can focus on is what we do with that emotion.
2. Help Them Understand What Emotions Feel Like
If your child is angry, ask “How does your body feel when you are angry?” My daughter once told me it makes her want to hurt someone or kick someone; she feels “one thousand fifty hundred” mad. My son once said anger feels like “poop.” {Ah, the insight of a potty-training preschooler!} Teaching them to recognize how their emotions feel in their body will help them become more aware of their emotions even if they can’t yet label them.
3. Teach them mindful breathing.
I distinctly remember a moment when my then-six-year-old was throwing a fit, and I told her to BREATHE. “I can’t!” she yelled. “I don’t know how!” How can she not know how to breathe?, I asked myself. I tried to demonstrate deep breathing. It didn’t work.
In the book Planting Seeds by Thich Nhat Hanh, he describes dozens of ways to demonstrate mindful breathing techniques for children. It gives them more concrete direction than just “Breathe!” The following three are my {and my kids’} favorites:
~ Noticing the Breath: Encourage kids to really notice their breath by putting their fingers under their noses to feel the warmth and moisture of the out-breath. Have them put their hands on their tummies to feel the rise and fall of their bellies as they breathe. Let them know that when they are angry, it can be calming to focus on what our breathing actually feels like.
~ Five-Finger Starfish Meditation: Make a starfish with one hand {fingers spread out wide}. Using their pointer finger from their other hand, gently trace the outline of the starfish hand, slowly going up and down each finger. The focused concentration on the hand, combined with the soothing touch, often has an immediately calming effect. Later that day during snack time, I noticed my son gently tracing his fingers.
~ Counting the Breath: You can start with the basics — count the in-breath and out-breath. One breath in and out is “1”, then “2”, and so on, up to ten.
4. Lead them in a guided relaxation.
Planting Seeds contains a script for a guided relaxation {as well as a soothing narration for it on the accompanying CD}, which focuses first on the breath, and then working through the various parts of the body to release tension. We can remind children that they can do this type of relaxation when they need to, either lying down or while seated.
5. Practice what you preach.
This advice probably applies to everything in parenting, but it’s worth noting here. When we react with anger based on our emotions, without a pause to encourage a more skillful response, our children see that and imitate it. They need to see us practicing mindfulness as well. If you do these exercises with your children, breathe with them, make starfish hands with them, and lay down on the floor with them.
Additional Resources
Teaching Mindfulness to Kids: Mindful Listening
10 Ways to Teach Mindfulness to Kids
- A Mindful Approach to New Year’s Resolutions - January 13, 2020
- Just This Next Step - December 16, 2019
- WAIT: A Mindfulness Practice for Waiting in Line - December 9, 2019
