I hesitated to share this post today.
This post is about controversy, feminism, and frustration.
None of the things I envisioned when I created the mission and purpose of Left Brain Buddha.
{I have a habit of overanalyzing things.}
But feminism is a fundamental part of me.
It’s an important part of my parenting.
And I am frustrated. Over a controversial topic. That affects my parenting.
It’s something I’ve been thinking about all week.
Why am I upset?
I’m upset because my six-year-old daughter is already hearing songs that call women “bitches,” and let us know that “good girls” really do “want it.”
A store we’ve shopped at thinks it’s fine to create, print, and distribute t-shirts telling girls that math really isn’t for them – but shopping is.
To get really meta, I’m frustrated that I’m frustrated and hesitant about writing this post.
I guess I have a bad habit of wanting to hide my feminism, when I should be proclaiming it.
But I think I can process my frustration and end with mindful reflection.
I have a habit of doing that, too.
*****
Last Sunday, I was sitting in the passenger seat of my husband’s car, exhausted after an exasperating dinner out with our children {including my four-year-old who did everything BUT sit and eat}. I closed my eyes. We turned on the radio, and I tuned out and tried to breathe and relax. I wasn’t really paying attention to the radio, until I heard my six-year-old daughter singing in the backseat.
“I know you want it, I know you want it…”
My eyes shot open. I quickly changed the station, and looked at my husband.
Unbelievable.
I guess I have a bad habit of not paying close enough attention to what’s on the radio.
*****
The first time I heard “Blurred Lines,” driving by myself, I thought it was a catchy tune. The second time, I actually listened to the lyrics, and found them a bit creepy. And then I looked up the entire text of the song.
A sampling:
you’re an animal, baby… Just let me liberate you… I’m gon’ take a good girl I know you want it. I know you want it. I know you want it…. The way you grab me Must wanna get nasty… Do it like it hurt, like it hurt…*****
Really?
This is the “party anthem of the summer”?
I guess I have a habit of feminist “overreacting.”
I guess I have a habit of taking offense at lyrics that make light of sexual consent when I hear my six-year-old daughter singing them in the back of the car.
I read this post earlier this week from Stirrup Queens, which pointed out that “You know you want it” is usually something we say to someone who has said NO, or has shown hesitation.
I have a habit of assuming that no matter what a woman does, even if she is so emboldened as to “grab” Robin Thicke, it doesn’t mean she wants to “get nasty.” There are no blurred lines where NO is concerned.
I have a strong habit of teaching my daughter that NO means NO.
*****
I did some research while writing this {I have a habit of doing that too}. I found many women stating that they like the song and enjoy dancing to it. They see it as a fantasy, a la Fifty Shades of Gray, and it is about owning their sexuality and driving a man crazy. That it’s meant to be “tongue in cheek,” that it’s about the irony of sexism. That it is very meta.
But just this week, “Blurred Lines” broke the all-time record for the number of weekly impressions for a song. That means about 70% of America heard the song in the last seven days.
That means a lot of teenagers {boys and girls} and even younger kids listened to, and perhaps sang, these lyrics. As a teacher and a parent, I worry about this song when it is taken at face value by the young people who hear it. By virtue of their youth, they don’t quite get nuance and interpretation, shades of gray, or, ironically, blurred lines.
*****
But perhaps what upset me most was when, a few days ago, I read that Robin Thicke now claims that this song is, in fact, a “feminist movement,” for the one line which says, “He’s not your maker.” This song informs us that we are not to be controlled by men. And that Robin Thicke will apparently be the one to “liberate” us.
But, I, like many women, have a habit of assuming that “liberation” means empowerment, controlling our own lives, and making our own choices. I don’t consider a song that “blurs the lines” about consent, and a video that teasingly puts a very small stop sign on a woman’s naked body {implying we don’t really mean no?} a form of “liberation” or empowerment.
I guess I have a habit of thinking our words matter.
You can’t just throw the word “liberate” into a song, and claim it’s about women’s liberation.
Unfortunately, this song is not the only way important words like liberation get twisted around. Advertisers have been doing this for years. They take a positive gain for women, like gaining the right to vote or entering the workforce, and make light of it.
Check out this Victoria’s Secret ad from the 1990’s:
Or this Clorox ad:
Just this week The Children’s Place pulled this shirt from their shelves after parent protest. But somehow it managed to go through product development and distribution without anyone wondering if there was something wrong about this message:
Photo via Facebook
I have a habit of thinking my liberation is about more than voting for a bra model, cleaning my house, going shopping, or enjoying a song that simultaneously refers to a woman as “an animal,” a “good girl,” and a “bitch.”
These are all part of a larger phenomenon that Professor Susan Douglas calls “enlightened sexism” in her book of the same name. She writes that enlightened sexism “insists that women have made plenty of progress because of feminism – indeed, full equality has allegedly been achieved – so now it’s okay, even amusing, to resurrect sexist stereotypes of girls and women.” We see it in music, advertising, and, especially, reality TV.
Enlightened sexism tells women, We’re so liberated now, it’s okay if women dance naked in a video while fully-clothed men leer at them. Or if we dress our daughters in t-shirts that make them feel weird for liking math.
I’m frustrated to be raising my daughter in a culture where these songs, these ads, and these shirts are considered acceptable, funny, and cute. That tells my daughter that, because, now that we’re all equal, we can celebrate our love of shopping and dancing, and forget about intellectual pursuits. And that what’s really liberating, is getting the attention of a man.
People might say it’s a sign of how far we’ve come {women are owning their bodies! girls can be girly!}, but I think were just perpetuating stereotypes women have struggled for decades, for centuries, to overcome.
Can’t we enjoy shopping and math? Can’t we embrace our sexuality without being a bitch?
Maybe you enjoy the song, maybe you didn’t think the shirt was that big of a deal, but let’s not call it feminism.
*****
And now here comes the mindful reflection.
In some ways, I have some bad habits that play into this trend of enlightened sexism.
I have a bad habit of not monitoring carefully enough what’s on the radio in the car.
Unfortunately, there is a market for songs like this. I won’t be able to protect my daughter from what she will hear when she’s not with me. I do need to pay attention to what my daughter listens to, but more importantly, I need to have {age-appropriate} conversations with her about why I find these lyrics upsetting and inappropriate.
I also have a bad habit of watching reality TV.
Susan Douglas calls reality TV “the ground zero of enlightened sexism.”
I need to think about how I support shows and entertainment that perpetuate these images of women as “bitchy” and craving male attention, and sell drunken promiscuity as liberated sexuality.
I need to think about why I call watching The Bachelor my “guilty pleasure” and “mindless entertainment.”
Because I do have a habit of believing our words matter.
What am I guilty of when I watch these shows?
Shouldn’t I be more mindful of how I spend my hours to myself at the end of the day?
I understand that “Real Doctoral Students of Totally Equal University” probably wouldn’t become a ratings hit, and lyrics like “Can I spank you because you asked me to, and we’ve agreed upon a safe word if you don’t like it and I really do respect you” probably aren’t very catchy.
But I can vote for the entertainment in our culture with my dollars, my viewing and listening, and my attention. And use my voice to say why I think we need to consider the impact of these forms of enlightened sexism.
And that bad habit of thinking I need to hide my feminism? I guess I’m already working on that one.
*****
There’s no excuse for blatant sexism in the guise of a catchy summer tune or a cute t-shirt.
But I may have some bad habits I need to change, too.
Those damn blurred lines.
*****
This post is part of the Finish the Sentence Friday linkup. Today’s sentence is “I have a bad habit of…” You can read more FTSF posts here.
{Ad credits: The Gender Ads Project. Created by Scott A. Lukas, Ph.D. Created in 2002, South Lake Tahoe, California. Accessed on August 6, 2013.}
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