The email read, “Sarah, Thanks again for your interest in…”
Uh-oh.
Isn’t that always how rejection starts?
In mid-August, I joined a dance group that performs throughout the holiday season, entertaining crowds at parades, shopping malls, nursing homes, and other venues. I was excited about two months of tapping and kicking to Christmas songs, with my dance buddies from last year. And I would get to wear this:
Source: nwi.com
I love dancing, and I love performing, so I attended rehearsals for a month, I iced my aching knees, I stretched, I practiced.
I continued to read the email:
“We would like to make a final determination about your participation…”
“Auditions will be…”
Auditions? Why is this the first I am hearing of an audition?
Panic. Anxiety.
I felt judged, criticized, deflated.
The email was sent just to ME. Am I the only one who has to audition?
I read on.
“The audition dances will be videotaped and reviewed.”
Seriously?
I had to remind myself of a helpful mantra: “Do I have enough information to freak out right now?”
No.
Be BRAVE, I told myself. Have courage. Dare greatly. Step into the arena. Try out for the dance line.
*****
How often do I tell you, dear reader, to respond, and not react? How often do I encourage us all to be vulnerable and brave as we pursue our joy? And here I was freaking out about having to audition in front of my dance friends.
I realize my “crisis” here certainly qualifies as a “first-world problem.” I can see the terrible headline now: “Happy Suburban Mom Cut From Community Dance Line.”
But readers, you know me well enough that we’ll take this to another level of mindful reflection!
It’s BRAVE to “put ourselves out there.” Brene Brown tells us it’s brave to show up and be seen. And that’s what I’m doing.
But it’s also scary to be evaluated and judged, in any part of our lives. I still get nervous when an administrator observes my teaching. It was a bit nerve-wracking to submit my audition to Blogger Idol 2013. {I didn’t make it to the finals of Blogger Idol, but it was an honor just to be nomina– oh, wait, we nominate ourselves! Never mind…}
With my dance audition, I’ve realized it has been a long time since something I really wanted to do might not happen. The phase of my life involving grades, college and grad school admissions, and job interviews was a long time ago. It’s been a while since I’ve had to submit to a one-time evaluation in order to do something I really wanted to do.
But I do remember the hurt of rejection. I remember those unanswered cover letters and resumes. I remember not getting in to colleges I applied to {I’m looking at YOU, Dartmouth!} I remember getting burned.
Instead of panicking about my audition, I turned to reading and reflection, as I do in the midst of most life crises. I turned to my books, and I researched what the Buddha had to say about competition, desire, and failure.
Upon reflection, I am sure that the unexpected auditions are due to us “new people” not performing well enough. It’s a sign that we need to grow. They could have just cut us and sent a rejection email. But they’re giving us feedback, and time to practice and demonstrate that we have improved.
I received a friendly email from the coaches about what I am doing well in the dances, and I what I need to work on. And I’m working on it. Every night. I can even do the splits again! I haven’t been able to do splits since I was 18!
Not bad for a 38-year-old lady!
But dance auditions? Blogger Idol?
Competition?
I thought about how I was engaging in activities that seem to be the antithesis of Buddhist practice and wisdom. Competition is all about ego, “look at me!”, winning, and desire.
Desire. Aren’t we supposed to eliminate desire?
The Buddha tells us:
Bikkhus, all is aflame. Aflame with what? Aflame with the fire of passion, the fire of aversion, the fire of delusion. Aflame, I tell you, with birth, aging and death, with sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, and despairs.
Is that what Pink is trying to tell us too?
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
I desire to be on the dance line. I love dancing. It’s a workout, my me-time, my girlfriends-time. It’s an exercise in mindfulness ~ when I’m learning choreography and focusing on counts and steps and hops and ball changes, my mind can’t wander to those ungraded papers, the worries about my children, or the lunches that need to be made. I’m fully present in the moment. It’s a walking, twirling, jumping, kicking, and tapping meditation. In a totally cute costume.
Is it okay to desire this? Is it okay to compete to get it? Am I going to get burned?
While this surely is a minor crisis in my life, it points out a bigger question that has vexed me in my study of Buddhism. How do I resolve the tension between nonjudgmental acceptance of the present moment, and my desire to accomplish and succeed?
The Buddha did recognize that we wouldn’t eliminate all desires. What we really need to eliminate is selfish craving. And I’m doing this for me. Not selfishly, but as part of my self-care.
Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you’re out there doing what you’re doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by by by
How will I feel if it’s ruined? Will it make me cry? I’ll be upset, but I’ll be okay. I’ll try to remember that failure is an opportunity to grow and improve. I still have my Thursday night dance classes to practice and improve for next year. I’ll still be a dancer, just not on that dance line.
I didn’t make Blogger Idol, but I’ll keep blogging and writing and improving.
I don’t want to just “get by,” I want to try my best when I’m out there doing what I’m doing. I won’t let myself make excuses. I want to be able to say, “I gave it my all, I practiced all week, I guess I’m just not ready yet. But I tried my hardest.”
The worst part will be the embarrassment. The blow to my ego. I’ve already told my family and friends about joining the team. {I’ve already written the rehearsals and performances in my calendar. In pen.}
But I’ll be okay because I was brave, I stretched myself, I tried, and I dared greatly.
In my reflective research, I found this article from the Insight Meditation Center, which describes the difference, in Buddhist teachings, between craving and aspiration. “Aspiration” comes from the Latin “spirare.” Breath. Spirit. Aspiration is natural, like the breath. It’s relaxing and genuine. It comes from the spirit. But craving results in tension, in holding the breath.
For me, dancing and writing are like breathing. They are inspiring, they are natural, they are ME. I can aspire to do them, even if it means hard work and competition. Because it’s about making myself better, not proving I am better than others.
And to get better, as Pink tells us,
You gotta get up and try and try and try
You gotta get up and try and try and try
You gotta get up and try and try and try
You gotta get up and try and try and try
You gotta get up and try and try and try
You gotta get up and try and try and try{not just once, but EIGHTEEN times!}
Zen teacher Gil Fronsdal writes, “In the world of aspiration, it is far better to try and fail than to never try.”
So I will get up and try and try and try. Even though I may fail.
I think that’s true bravery.
I think even the Buddha would agree.
*****
This post is part of the Finish the Sentence Friday linkup. Click the image below to read more posts finishing the statement:
“The bravest thing I’ve ever done is…”
*****
Top photo credit: Pat McDonald via photopin cc
- A Mindful Approach to New Year’s Resolutions - January 13, 2020
- Just This Next Step - December 16, 2019
- WAIT: A Mindfulness Practice for Waiting in Line - December 9, 2019
