“Hold childhood in reverence, and do not be in any hurry to judge it for good or ill…. You assert that you know the value of time and are afraid to waste it…. You are afraid to see him spending his early years doing nothing. What! is it nothing to be happy, nothing to run and jump all day? He will never be so busy again all his life long…. Do not be afraid, therefore, of this so-called idleness.” Jean-Jacques Rousseau
As I read the chapters in Christine Gross-Loh’s Parenting Without Borders about helicopter parenting, I thought of Lao Tzu, the Buddha, and Rousseau.
Lao Tzu wrote that the Tao is the way of the universe, the natural order of all things, and we should live in accordance with the Tao. The Buddha taught us to enjoy the journey and live in the present moment. Jean-Jacques Rousseau, an eighteenth-century French writer, proclaimed the need for children to learn by interacting with and exploring the natural world, away from the artificial institutions of society.
Go with the flow, breathe, and get back to nature!
And that seemed to be the message of these chapters about how we raise our children. As parents, we need to spend less time scheduling, controlling, cautioning, and obsessing over our children. I love this article on the Huffington Post, urging parents to adopt the CTFD method. It has only one step: Calm The F**k Down.
While Lao Tzu, the Buddha, and Rousseau probably would have phrased it a bit more eloquently, they likely would have agreed with a parenting “method” that trusted a child’s innate wisdom, allowed children the freedom to be children, and included unstructured and creative play. And, yes, parents who calmed the f**k down.
So, based on my reading, I am sharing my own version of the CTFD method ~ it has the same message and acronym, but now stands for Cultivate Trust, Freedom, and Downtime.
Trust in Children’s Innate Wisdom
“The people are difficult to keep in order because those above them interfere. That is the only reason why they are so difficult to keep in order.” Lao Tzu
When Gross-Loh lived in Japan, she discovered that parents trusted “in children’s innate positive desire to learn and adapt socially. That desire to adapt and get along is what will motivate kids to mature more efficiently than adults hurrying them along.” There was no shushing, no hovering, no constant overseeing and intervening.
How often do we swoop in, break up the fight, and solve the crisis for our children? I admit I do this a lot. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? What will the other parents think of me if I allow my children to bicker with each other, or worse, shove another child on the playground?
But when Gross-Loh was tempted to break up violent play on a playdate, her Japanese friend stopped her. “The kids will work it out,” she reassured her. The parents Gross-Loh met in Japan spoke of fighting as a rite of passage, a way to build resilience, and a method for helping kids resolve conflicts on their own.
And I realized, I often don’t give my children the chance to work things out on their own.
But it’s something I know they can do.
The other day, as I showered while my children played in my bedroom, I heard a fight break out over a toy. Choosing to not parent by yelling from the shower, I simply ignored the fight that I normally would have stepped in to moderate. And within a few minutes, peace had been restored as my children arrived at a compromise for sharing the toy. What learning would I have prevented had I rushed in and saved the day in my dripping wet cape?
In the 2006 documentary Raising Cain, psychologist Michael Thompson visited a Japanese preschool, and managed to catch on film a fight between two young boys. As the argument over a toy escalated, one boy delivered a series of punches to the other child, who then retreated to a nearby table, plopped his head in his hands, and cried. The teachers, who witnessed the event, did nothing.
As a teacher and a parent, I was shocked. The puncher was not punished, the punch-ee not consoled. But soon enough, a little girl came over to the crying boy and put her arm around him. She asked what happened, and when he told her, she said, “Well, that’s why no one plays with him. He punches everyone.”
I can’t say that I like an approach that just leaves the “natural consequence” of friendlessness for bullying, but the incident did show that children do have the ability to navigate conflict and provide emotional comfort on their own, even at the age of four.
And it made me wonder, do my children fight so often because I don’t let them learn to work things out for themselves?
Freedom From Adult-Directed Play
“Neither mother nor father, nor any other relative can do one as much good as one’s own well-directed mind.” The Buddha
Would you believe that parents from other cultures would be shocked to see American parents on the floor playing with their kids? Apparently, it’s not very common in other cultures.
I don’t like saying “Kids today…,” but kids today have very little of their time not managed by grownups. And I don’t like saying “when I was a kid,” but when I was a kid, we played in the streets and made up our own games and were gone for hours on end without our parents even knowing exactly where we were.
Now we organize and accompany our children on “playdates,” sign them up for numerous enrichment classes, send them to preschools that focus on academics, and manage all of their sports through rec leagues before they’re even potty-trained.
The constant engagement of American parents with their children, Gross-Loh claims, teaches children to “become dependent on their need to have us pay attention to them,” and ultimately undermines their autonomy. Unstructured play, away from the control of adults, is an important part of childhood. We stifle children’s creativity and curiosity when we organize all their play for them.
Have you seen the documentary Babies? It captures the first year of life of four babies in four very different parts of the world ~ Japan, the US, Mongolia, and Namibia. I show portions of it in my Anthropology class. My students laugh while watching the American baby in a bizarre “Mommy and Me” class with parents pounding on the floor, singing, “The earth is our mother, she will take care of us,” {while said baby bolts for the door – clearly she thinks it’s as weird as my students do}, while the Namibian baby simply plays in the dirt by himself and licks a dog.
Similarly, Jared Diamond, in The World Before Yesterday, notes the difference between American playtime, with manufactured toys created by corporations, and playtime in cultures where children make their own toys. The parents he interviewed worried about the lack of creativity and innovation in American children.
Certainly our children need our attention, and time with us that’s devoted to play. But they also need freedom to explore and make sense of the world on their own, without us providing all the materials, coming up with the rules, and supervising every minute of it. Children’s open-ended play piques their curiosity about the world and stimulates their imagination and passion.
Downtime and Outdoor Play
“Do not be afraid … of this so-called idleness.” Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Finally, our children need downtime. They need time alone and time to rest, away from classes and playdates and sports.
As I write this, my six-year-old daughter is playing by herself. She’s using Legos and Squinkies to create a princess party. She’s built a carriage out of the Legos, and has different Squinkies assigned to various responsibilities at the party: greeting people, hiding the cake, bringing the horses to the stables.
This time that children spend “off-task” is, according to Gross-Loh, “often full of interior richness.” Unstructured play is not frivolous, it is “how kids construct meaning and make sense of the world when they are little, and discover what they love as they grow. Play is a springboard for creativity.” My daughter has created her own imaginary world, and her play is helping her to make sense of her real world ~ how to behave, how to be a good guest, a good host, and, hopefully, she’s figuring out what we will do at our next party when people bring their horses.
Additionally, Gross-Loh cites the depressing statistic that American children spend fewer than 7 minutes a day in unstructured outdoor play. Many schools have cut back recess times in order to spend more time on preparation for testing, but research shows that “active, playful breaks during the day also help children retain and assimilate what they are learning.”
In fact, in a true channeling of Rousseau, children in forest kindergartens in Germany spend their entire days outdoors, learning through playing, singing, and bonding with nature. While this model of education may be a bit impractical, it is a helpful reminder to allow our children to experience the beauty and wonder of the outdoors.
*****
From Lao Tzu, to the Buddha, Rousseau, and parents from around the world, I’ve heard a resounding message about parenting: Cultivate Trust, Freedom, and Downtime. And if that’s too much to remember, just Calm the F**k Down.
*****
Want to read more about “hoverparenting,” playtime, and teaching our children self-control? Check out the posts by these amazing bloggers in response to Christine Gross-Loh’s Parenting Without Borders:
Carissa from Do You Read Me?: “Giving My Children More Space”
Deb from Urban Moo Cow: “I Would Rather He Break His Arm”
Jessica from School of Smock: “Your Hovering Doesn’t Help: A Quiz and a Simple Step”
Stephanie from Mommy, For Real: “Advocating for Your Kids vs. Being a Helicopter Parent“
- A Mindful Approach to New Year’s Resolutions - January 13, 2020
- Just This Next Step - December 16, 2019
- WAIT: A Mindfulness Practice for Waiting in Line - December 9, 2019
