Two Books That are Changing How I Think About Myself, Parenting, and Blogging
Reading. One of my favorite summer activities.
I’ve recently finished reading Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly and Susan Cain’s Quiet. I absolutely recommend you read these books! They have made me reflect. They have made me think. They have inspired and changed me.
Brene Brown, a shame and vulnerability researcher at the University of Houston, writes in Daring Greatly about our human need for connection. The only way we can truly connect with others is to find the courage to be vulnerable. To “dare to show up and let ourselves be seen” (Brown, p. 2). To step into the arena. To Dare Greatly.
The beautiful synchronicity of reading two books at the same time!
In Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, journalist Susan Cain argues that since up to one-half of the population is made up of introverts, we need to begin to value and nurture the qualities of introversion: slow and deliberate work, being “drawn to the inner world of thought and feeling,” living “in your head too much,” having “mighty powers of concentration,” a dislike of conflict, enjoying solitude, and preferring small groups over large gatherings (Cain, pp. 7, 10-11, &13).
Courageous ~~~~ quiet.
Daring ~~~~ deliberate.
Connection ~~~~ solitude.
Showing up and being seen ~~~~ wishing you were home in your pajamas (Cain, p. 11).
I am excited to share with you the lovely synchronicity of reading these two books at once. And how I am daring greatly … quietly.
What I’ve learned about myself
I’ve learned that I am an introvert who acts like an extrovert in order to do what I am passionate about: teaching. According to Cain, this is called Free Trait Theory: we possess certain personality traits (which come from both nature and nurture), “but we can and do act out of character in the service of ‘core personal projects'” (Cain, p. 209). While I certainly have my extrovert moments, so many of Cain’s descriptions of introverts resonated with me, especially this one: introverts are told “you’re ‘in your head too much,” you’re “quiet and cerebral.” The other word for these people, Cain says, is “thinkers” (Cain, p. 7). That’s practically the very description I wrote of myself and my readers as I developed Left Brain Buddha!
Another characteristic of introversion is the need for downtime ~ we can handle and even enjoy stimulating environments, but we need a safe haven to return to. This is helping me understand why I crave quiet at the end of my day, and I am being more deliberate about carving out this recharging time for myself after a stimulating day of teaching and parenting.
Introverts may even prefer a particular type of spirituality ~ one of contemplation, not of exuberant services. Is that why I am drawn to Buddhism and meditation? Cain suggests the Buddha had introvert characteristics, as did many other religious figures, like Jesus, who experienced their revelations by withdrawing into solitude (Cain, p. 67 & 69).
I consider mindfulness a fundamental component of my contemplative spiritual practice, and Brene Brown describes mindfulness as a form of vulnerability. “To let ourselves sink into the joyful moments of our lives even though we know that they are fleeting, even though the world tells us not to be too happy lest we invite disaster – that’s an intense form of vulnerability” (Brown, p. 34). Brown also emphasizes the importance of gratitude {another contemplative practice I adore} in living a wholehearted life. She describes gratitude as a spiritual practice “bound to a belief in human connectedness and a power greater than us all” (p. 123). Mindfulness and gratitude practices allow us to develop the courage to be vulnerable, and open us up to connection.
In my personal and spiritual life, I am daring greatly … quietly.
What I’ve learned about parenting
{Image source: Wikimedia Commons}
I also consider mindful parenting a spiritual practice. Brene Brown writes that in parenting, what you know and who you are are far more important than what you’ve read in any parenting book. “The real questions for parents should be: ‘Are you engaged? Are you paying attention?'” (Brown, p. 15). That is mindful parenting! I love her question she poses to parents: “Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?” (Brown, p. 214). Mindful parenting is all about “minding the gap” between where we are right now, and where we want to be. And allowing our children to help us in this growth (Brown, p. 173).
“I Wholeheartedly believe that when we are fully engaged in parenting, regardless of how imperfect, vulnerable, and messy it is, we are creating something sacred.” Brene Brown, Daring Greatly
Becoming a parent is probably the most vulnerable thing I have done. Giving up a life I control to one that is unpredictable, chaotic, and messy. One in which I make many mistakes. But I am learning from Daring Greatly that just as I expect my children to own and apologize for their behavior, I need to model that for them as well.
According to Brown, one of the hardest, but absolutely necessary, things we can do for our children is to allow them to struggle and experience adversity. Even though it pains us and as much as we want to save them from experiencing failure. Just the other night, at Track and Field, my daughter came in dead last in the 200 meter. It wasn’t even close. Devastated and sobbing, she said she never wanted to run again. But {as I posted on Twitter about it}, I “went all Brene Brown on her” about daring greatly and stepping into the arena. “Some kids may have decided that was too far to run, and didn’t even enter the race. YOU were brave. YOU stepped on to the track. YOU ran the whole way and finished the race,” I told her. “I am proud of you for being so brave.”
Brown describes how valuable it is when parents share with their children their own struggles. I told my daughter a story: “Did I ever tell you about my first gymnastics meet? My first event was bars. I started my routine, and then I fell. I got back up and fell again. When I was all done, I saw my score. It was a 2.9. I was so embarrassed. But I kept practicing, I kept competing, I dared greatly, and I got better. That was my lowest score ever.” {FYI, that score was from the days when the highest score was a 10, not a 16.1 or whatever confusing system they use now. But it was still a really bad routine}.
When my daughter completed her page for her summer binder about this event, here’s what she created: a picture of her crying, “200:m LOST,” but then she added, “BRAV[E].” Yes, little one, you are.
By letting our children in on our own struggles, they develop the courage to dare greatly.
I am also coming to realize that my daughter may be an introvert. As an infant, the littlest of stimuli would upset her. Susan Cain suggests that these introverted, “high-reactive” children are highly sensitive to their environments and process information more deeply, making them what we might call “more sensitive” (Cain, p. 103). In Quiet, Cain offers many suggestions for parents of introverts, including creating places in the home where children can calm themselves down. I’m realizing that just as I need quiet transition time from school to home, and quiet restorative time, my daughter does as well.
My daughter and I are daring greatly together … quietly.
What I’ve learned about blogging
Blogging, for me, is the ultimate adventure in daring greatly. I’ve made myself vulnerable by revealing the less-than-perfect moments of my parenting, and sharing with you my beliefs and experiences. “To put our art, our writing, our photography, our ideas out into the world with no assurance of acceptance or appreciation – that’s also vulnerability,” Brown writes (p. 34).
These words in particular from Brene Brown resonated with me about my blog: “What we know matters, but who we are matters more” (p. 15). When I write a post that primarily shares my knowledge on a topic, I get some nice comments from my dedicated readers {which I love!}. But when I write a post in which I reveal who I am, when I dig deep and practice vulnerability, the post goes … well, my posts don’t go viral yet, but they do generate at least a low-grade fever. Vulnerability leads to connection.
And why did I choose blogging as my courageous act? Susan Cain writes that studies have demonstrated that “introverts are more likely than extroverts to express intimate facts about themselves online that their family and friends would be surprised to read, to say that they can express the ‘real me’ online….” (Cain, p. 63). I’ve had many friends tell me, after reading my blog, “I’m learning so much about you that I never knew before!”
That’s because I’m daring greatly … quietly.
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