Almost a decade ago, when my daughter was little, and before I had embarked on my studies of mindfulness and Buddhism in earnest, I came across a book on mindful parenting at Barnes and Noble.
Mindful Parenting? I don’t even know what that means! I thought to myself. Is this something I should be doing? I’m already trying to make her the Happiest Baby on the Block and ensure she develops Healthy Sleep Habits and Super Baby Food, while figuring out What To Expect in her first year. There’s more that my mind has to do?!
And wait, am I a mindless parent? Am I mothering by accident, without intention or purpose or meaning? I’m exhausted and overwhelmed – surely it is because of all the mindful diapering and singing and bathing and playing and cooking I’m doing!
It wasn’t, as Buddhists would say, a very skillful response.
So just what is mindful parenting?
Jon Kabat-Zinn, co-author of Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, defines it, in part, as follows:
It means you [are] … more mindful of what’s unfolding in your life and your children’s lives. Mindful parenting is about moment-to-moment, openhearted and nonjudgmental attention.”
In sum, it is paying attention.
In many ways, it’s really simple. It is just what we do as parents.
It’s also what our children want most from us.
As John Tarrant reminds us, “attention is the most basic form of love.” Though my children love their Legos and Barbies, they would likely admit that the thing they really want is loving attention from their parents.
It’s those moments of openhearted attention that are the most fun. My son loves making up “jokes,” which make absolutely no sense yet send him into hysterical fits of laughter. If I truly pay attention to them, and laugh at them with him, he laughs even louder and smiles even bigger. Which makes me laugh and smile.
That part of mindful parenting is easy.
It’s hard when we think we have to do this ALL THE TIME.
It’s unrealistic to expect to give our children 100% of our attention 100% of the time. In fact, it’s not even helpful to them to have us hovering over their every move. They need time to play creatively in their own imaginary worlds, and we need time to wash dishes and fold laundry, and maybe even read a book! So go easy on yourself, mama. You’re doing the best you can.
The mindful act of paying attention is also easy because it doesn’t require money, equipment, or extravagant outings.
But it can also be hard when we feel stretched to the limit with all our other commitments. It’s hard when our minds wander to work, to bills, to the events of the day, to anything but the present moment.
And then we miss out on those precious, giggly, heart-warming moments with our children.
We know it comes down to paying attention.
It’s simple, but not always easy. It is the most basic — and sometimes the hardest — part of mindful parenting.
Simple Ways to Pay Attention
Really Listen
I’m working on getting rid of the mindless “Uh-huh”s and “Really?”s that sometimes mark my conversations with my children. I’m trying to really listen, without distraction. That’s how we all want to be listened to, right?
I’m also paying more attention to the “pre-whining”: the early complaints that generally progress to whining because I haven’t really acknowledged what has upset my kids. Even if I can’t change what’s bothering them, a validation of their emotion goes a long way. Everything is a big deal to our children, who “live in the moment” much more than we do.
Take a Technology Timeout
I admit I struggle with this one. I can be a bit obsessive about checking my phone. But then I saw that my daughter had repurposed my old iPhone case as her “phone.” She told me she was tweeting, and taking pictures for her blog. It was valuable insight into how she sees me spending my time. It was a big reminder to PUT DOWN THE PHONE.
Develop Meaningful Daily Rituals
Bedtime or nap time can be a time for meaningful connection with our children. My daughter and I have developed this bedtime ritual. You could develop your own, including practices like stating one thing that was great about the day, and one thing you could work on doing better. It’s a beautiful way to end the day.
Keep It Simple
“Quality time” with our children doesn’t have to be trips to the zoo or elaborate outings. Our children simply want our time.
Last weekend, my daughter helped me make dinner and prepare lunches for the week. When I make dinner by myself, I can sometimes do it mindlessly, going through the motions while my thoughts are miles away. Cooking with my daughter grounds my focus completely in the present moment {I mean, there are knives involved!} And it calls my attention to the small details I often overlook. My daughter was fascinated by the feel of chopped onions and celery. She wanted to smell the shredded cheese. She loved the sensation and action of cracking eggs. We talked about food and school and recess. She looked at me, smiled, and said, “We’re having our girl time, right?”
Dance. Color. Read a book. Keep it simple.
But pay attention.
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