“We spend our entire lives communicating.”
So opens the preface to Oren Jay Sofer’s Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication.
It’s such an obvious statement, but one that we don’t really appreciate. The word communication comes from the Latin communicare, which means “to make common.” In any conversation, we are attempting to take our own internal experiences or ideas and make them available to another person; to make them common. And then we must perform that action in reverse — we need to be able to understand another person’s experience with curiosity and empathy.
This is no easy task. A lot of our wounding and suffering can arise from misattunements in our communication, from the moments when we are not heard or understood, to the times when we judge others or make uninformed assumptions about them.
Our communication practices could certainly benefit from some mindful awareness!
The fundamental premise of nonviolent or mindful communication is the recognition of our commonality, that despite all our differences, we share a common humanity that gives us the same needs: to be safe, connected, understood, loved, powerful, peaceful, and so much more. (You can find a very helpful and extensive list of human needs here). It’s at this level of needs where we can find our true common ground.
I can honestly say that the work I’ve done around mindful communication has been one of the most powerful and transformative components of my mindfulness practice. Cultivating a greater awareness of my own needs and feelings, approaching interactions with others from a place of embodied presence and curiosity, and closely attending to my intentions has made an enormous difference in my relationships.
So I am incredibly excited to share with you a new book that is now available from Oren Jay Sofer (the teacher from whom I’ve learned mindful communication)!
{Psssst! You can scroll down to the bottom of this post and enter a giveaway to win a free copy of the book!} Update: the giveaway has now ended.
Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication (how to find your voice, speak your truth & listen deeply)
From the publisher:
We spend so much of our lives talking to each other, but how much are we simply running on automatic– relying on old habits and hoping for the best? Are we able to truly hear others and speak our mind in a clear and kind way, without needing to get defensive or go on the attack? In this groundbreaking synthesis of mindfulness, somatics, and Nonviolent Communication, Oren Jay Sofer offers simple yet powerful practices to develop healthy, effective, and satisfying ways of communicating.
Who doesn’t want that?! I loved the practical advice in this book (which also includes links to guided audio meditations so you can practice all the techniques), especially the suggestions for helpful phrases that we can use when we need to seek clarification, or offer empathy, or ask for something in a way that is authentic, rather than the often stiff and formulaic “What I hear you saying is…”-type phrases we are often taught in training sessions. ?
To get you started on some mindful communication principles, I’m offering you my list (generously informed by Sofer’s book) of five questions you can ask yourself before you engage in conversation … so that your exchange can truly be an exercise in understanding and not frustration!
1. Am I Present?
The first principle of communicating mindfully, Sofer instructs us, is to lead with presence. We cannot be in communication with someone if we are not present. This is where we draw on our mindfulness practice! Before engaging in conversation, take a deep breath, feel your body, and arrive fully in this moment.
2. What Is My Intention?
Sofer writes that intention is the core of mindful communication. Check in throughout your interactions about what your purpose is– are you trying to understand? Are you genuinely curious about and open to what someone is saying? Or are you trying to defend, convince, deflect, or judge (or something else)?
3. Am I Paying Attention?
It’s funny how often when we are “listening,” we’re not actually hearing what the other person is saying! We might already be formulating our response before we’ve even heard their ideas, or we’re making all sorts of assumptions about what we think they mean, instead of hearing their actual words, and listening for the feelings and needs they are conveying. See if you can notice the times when you drift away from presence and attention in your conversation… and see if you can come back.
“To listen entails a fundamental letting go of self-centeredness. We have to be willing to put down our own thoughts, views, and feelings temporarily to truly listen. It’s a wholehearted, embodied receptivity that lies at the core of both communication and contemplative practice.
Every conversation requires silence. Without it we can’t listen, and no real communication happens. The silence of listening isn’t forced or strained. It’s a natural quiet that arises from interest…. As the poet and teacher Mark Nepo writes, ‘To listen is to lean in softly with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.'”
Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean
4. Why Am I Talking?
Can you imagine if we all asked ourselves this question each time we spoke? {A helpful acronym to remember to do this is to WAIT (why am I talking?) before speaking.} Does this need to be said? Is it helpful and accurate? Would silence be a better response? Do I just need to take a deep breath and let the words sink in? Do I just need to offer this person some space instead of more noise?
I am amazed at what happens when I remember to WAIT. In the pause that I might have filled with sound and fury, there’s often a softening or a deepening that allows the other person to open up more fully and we can share in a much more authentic way. (This is especially powerful when I realize I’m trying to “help” my children with a problem by giving advice, when all I actually need to do in that moment is listen to them with kind presence and full attention).
5. Am I Being Extra?
This is the latest phrase I hear from the teens I work with. They’re “being extra” when they’re adding something that’s unnecessary. And we do that a lot in communication! We add extra details and judgments and interpretations and stories to what someone is saying when there is no evidence for them! (Brene Brown says that we are all conspiracy theorists, going around making up stories based on incomplete information). Sofer suggests that we try to focus on the things that a camera can record — just the actual facts of what’s happening. Leave the “extras” to the production team — you just want the raw footage. Try to focus on what’s actually happening, right in front of you, in this moment.
*****
You can learn more about Oren Jay Sofer (he’s a pretty cool Mindful Schools person like me ?) on his website here, on Facebook, on Twitter, and Instagram.
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. I was provided a free review copy of Say What You Mean from Shambala Publications. I have not been compensated for this review and the opinions stated in this review are entirely my own.
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