I really like ~ in fact, love ~ being a mom.
But sometimes, I don’t “like” motherhood.
We can pretty much say this about anything else in our lives without people batting an eye.
Think of how acceptable it is for women to complain about and mock their husbands {cue any cleaning product commercial for evidence}.
But admit we don’t always like being a mom?
That’s a lot harder and scarier. And often brings on a lot of guilt.
But I think we need to talk about what we don’t like about motherhood.
What We Don’t Like About Motherhood
We need to be honest in talking about motherhood. We need to be mindful in the words we use to describe it.
Motherhood is profound and amazing and life-changing. It’s also really hard. There’s a lot to not like.
I read this post several years ago from the HerStories Project, in which a new mom described her feelings of guilt for not loving every minute of new motherhood.
I don’t think we would ever say we love every minute of our jobs, or our marriages.
But we still sell this “love every minute of it” image to mothers. When I was on maternity leave, well-intentioned friends and colleagues would ask, “Aren’t you just loving every minute of it?” And it made me feel like a failure, because I didn’t love every minute of it.
Case in point: On the day my colleagues went back to teacher workshops in the fall, at the moment they were sitting down to breakfast {prepared by someone else!}, sharing stories of their summers and talking with other grown-ups, I was rinsing poop out of a onesie in the bathroom and listening to Dora drone on about her favorite part of the trip. I didn’t love that. I didn’t even like it.
There are other parts of motherhood that I don’t like. Whining. Sibling bickering. Potty-training. “I don’t know HOW!”s from children who really DO know how. Screen-time battles. Homework drama. A house that isn’t quiet when I want it to be quiet.
Yes, there is a lot to not “like” about motherhood. And fortunately we’re starting to be a lot more honest about the hard parts, the challenges and the frustrations of parenting.
But as much as I think we need to voice these dislikes, I don’t think we can just leave it there.
Mindful Parenting: Ditching the “Like” Button
Here’s what I’ve learned about mindfulness and about liking things: Mindfulness is not about liking your life every minute, or thinking everything is wonderful and amazing.
As I wrote in this post defining mindfulness, when I started my mindfulness practice, it felt so awkward, because I thought I was supposed to start liking everything. I thought I had to change the thoughts in my head to things like, “Oh I love washing dishes. The water is so warm on my hands, the soap smells so good…”
It was like trying to talk dirty about washing dishes and it was really creepy.
Mindfulness, instead, is about non-judgmental awareness. It’s not about “I like this and I don’t like that,” it’s just observing what IS. In the age of Facebook, we need to train ourselves to not approach the world by deciding whether to click “Like” or not. And that goes for motherhood, too.
Mindfulness reminds us to not get caught up in judging and craving and pushing away. If all we see is the like or dislike button, we suffer.
I know the parts of motherhood that I don’t like right now won’t last. My house will be quiet, eventually. I’ve already seen things like homework battles improve over time. I’ve discovered that parenting REALLY DOES GET EASIER.
But, sadly, I know that the things I do like about motherhood right now won’t last either. I know my children won’t always beg to hold my hand in the parking lot. My daughter won’t always freely tell me she loves me “to the moon and back again a hundred thousand times, times infinity.” They won’t always tell the weird knock-knock jokes that make no sense but still make me laugh. They won’t always snuggle in the big comfy chair with me.
So maybe it’s not even about what we like or dislike about motherhood. It’s about understanding and accepting what motherhood IS. It is warm cuddles and poopy onesies. It is the funny stories we post on Facebook, and the whining. It is holding hands and breaking up fights.
The next time I find myself thinking about what I don’t like about motherhood, I will remind myself: This too shall pass. They will change, and I will change.
Like it or not.
I am so excited to announce that the next session of Mindfulness for Mothers ~ my four-week online course ~ will begin on March 14th! Registration is open NOW — and early bird pricing runs through February 29!
- A Mindful Approach to New Year’s Resolutions - January 13, 2020
- Just This Next Step - December 16, 2019
- WAIT: A Mindfulness Practice for Waiting in Line - December 9, 2019
