When some fellow bloggers and I first heard about Christine Gross-Loh’s new book, Parenting Without Borders: Surprising Lessons Parents Around the World Can Teach Us, we were intrigued. This book addresses many of the tough questions of parenting: Where should kids sleep? What should they eat? How do we raise our children to be happy, successful, and kind?
Over the next several weeks, Deb of Urban Moo Cow, Jessica of School of Smock, and I will be writing about our own experiences with these topics as parents, as well as our reactions to the book.
Here are the questions we’ll be exploring in the Parenting Carnival:
- How should we teach our kids to eat?
- Is too much self-esteem harmful to kids?
- Do American kids have too much academic pressure? Or not enough?
- How do we raise kids with good character?
- How do we raise independent kids and foster their self-control?
We’ll also be giving away a copy of Parenting Without Borders, signed by the author Christine Gross-Loh! Enter the giveaway by commenting on any of our Carnival posts during the next two weeks. We’ll announce the winner by July 15th!
Let’s read and talk about how culture shapes our parenting. Join us!
Today, we’re starting with the number one subject on the minds of new parents: SLEEP! And it’s a minefield: Co-sleep, or put baby in a crib in a separate room? Rock baby to sleep, or let her cry-it-out? Allow baby to sleep whenever, or put baby on a schedule?
Parenting without … Sleep!
Let’s start first where parents from around the world probably all agree:
Sleeping Practices Around the World
Christine Gross-Loh asserts that there is not a universal standard in terms of when, where, and how much babies should sleep. In many parts of the world, infants sleep next to their parents, and continue to do so well into childhood. Babies are rarely expected to sleep through the night, and are nursed frequently. Co-sleeping, stigmatized and labeled as dangerous in the US, is in fact the norm for much of the world. Infants sleep on floors, in their mothers arms, or on family-sized futons.
Thus, the “American ideal” of a baby who “sleeps through the night” at just a few months old, in a separate room, in her own crib, and who has done so by learning to self-soothe, is just that ~ an ideal. It’s not typical nor universal. According to Dr. Richard Ferber (of “Ferberizing” fame), “We’ve found that youngsters sleep very well in a variety of situations” (p. 35).
American perceptions about sleep, Gross-Loh argues, lead to unrealistic expectations on the part of new parents. We assume an infant will “sleep like a baby” {and new parents quickly learn that this is one of the most misunderstood phrases in our culture!}. Babies wake frequently, every 1-2 hours, for the first several weeks or even months of their lives. They are noisy, wiggly, and light sleepers. Many new parents’ sleep woes would be lessened if we simply knew more about what we were getting into!
Gross-Loh advocates that we need to both expect and accept a variety of sleep patterns and practices. She writes, “[M]any parents believe that having babies sleep alone is better for babies and better for us,” implying that that is not, in fact, what we should believe (p. 17). She describes the shock most parents in the world would experience when seeing a popular children’s book in the US depicting the dog sleeping with the parents, while the children slumber alone in their rooms.
What I Know About Sleep
But here is what I know about sleep for my family: We all sleep better in our own beds. There were times when my husband and I brought our infant daughter to sleep with us. But I worried about rolling over on her, and her grunting and squirming kept me awake.
I have always slept best in a big bed by myself. I certainly don’t allow my dog to sleep in my bed. In fact, I even joke with my husband that I think it’s really unfair that just because you get married, you don’t get your own bed anymore.
Gross-Loh contends that American sleep practices are rooted in our values of independence and individualism: we put our children in separate rooms to encourage autonomy and confidence. Certainly I am influenced by my culture’s norms, but I did not reject co-sleeping out of a desire to develop my daughter’s sense of self. I did it so I could sleep.
But sleep was a challenge in our household. By the time my daughter was four-months old, she was still waking every 1-2 hours at night. My husband and I took turns rocking her back to sleep all night. She wasn’t waking to eat ~ if I tried to nurse her, she would nurse for about three seconds, and then just wanted to be rocked. Once back in the crib, she might sleep for an hour, or 10 minutes, before the process repeated itself.
I was miserable. I spent half the night rocking her and crying out of frustration and exhaustion. The days weren’t much better.
Parenting without sleep, or with constantly interrupted sleep, is dangerous for mom and baby. Fragmented sleep, combined with a lack of REM sleep (which we typically don’t reach until about 80-90 minutes into our sleep cycles), has a devastating effect on memory, mood, and cognition. Due to our terrible nights of sleep, my daughter and I were both cranky and tired during the day. Her lack of good nighttime sleep led to poor naps, which made her overtired at bedtime, which led to a rough night’s sleep…. and the terrible cycle continued.
Paging Dr. Ferber
We decided to “sleep-train” our daughter when she was 4 months old. I read Dr. Ferber’s Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems, and we followed his “Ferberizing” technique {allowing her to cry while checking on her at intervals}. I knew she was at an age when sleep-training could begin, and she wasn’t nursing {despite my attempts} during the night. And I knew we needed sleep.
Was it easy? No. Did she cry a lot? Yes. Did it work? Absolutely. On night three of sleep-training, my daughter cried for 10 minutes, and then slept for 8 straight hours! At four months. Getting 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep was an absolute blessing and exactly what I needed in order to take care of myself and my baby.
I therefore disagreed with Gross-Loh’s characterization of sleep-training methods in this chapter. She implies that parents turn to cry-it-out methods due to misunderstandings of children’s sleep, a lack of support, or on the mistaken belief that we need to undo “sleep associations” (pp. 34-35). I had read several books on sleep, and I made an informed decision that ~ no exaggeration ~ transformed my experience of motherhood. It’s an overused cliche, but, solid, deep, uninterrupted sleep truly made me feel like a new person. My daughter’s mood, and naps, improved dramatically as well once she was getting restorative sleep at night.
I found it disconcerting that Gross-Loh implicitly linked using these cry-it-out methods to later separation anxiety and insecurity in children (pp. 14-15, 35). My children are excellent sleepers today. They go to bed without battles, fall asleep on their own, and sleep for 10 hours straight. They are happy and healthy.
I’ve read many books and articles that advocate sleep-training, and others that describe Ferberizing and other such methods as “abandonment” and “dangerous.” We’re making progress on the “Mommy Wars.” I think now it’s time to…
Put the “Sleep Wars” to Bed
Gross-Loh concludes that, among all the global differences about sleep, “one thing is certain – the very best sleep happens when there is … [a] match between a child’s sleep personality and parental expectations” (p. 33). I had a very different experience with my son, born three years later. From the start, he was a “good sleeper.” He also continued to nurse at night much longer than his sister did, and my husband and I developed a system that worked great. When my son woke at night, my husband got up, changed and re-swaddled him, and brought him to me in bed. I nursed my son in bed, and then returned him to his crib. He slept for several months in a bassinet in our room, and then later in his own room.
One night when my husband was out of town, as I was getting my daughter to bed, I had to put my son in his crib before he was truly sleepy. I told him I’d be right back, and he started fussing. A few minutes later, after I got my daughter tucked in, I checked on my son. He was already asleep. We never had to “Ferberize” him.
Not only are parenting techniques regarding sleep different around the world, but the same parents use different strategies based on the unique personalities and temperaments of their children.
I ultimately agree with Gross-Loh’s conclusion: we’re most likely to have “success” in the realm of infant sleep “if we can open our minds up to all the ways children might sleep well, and if we expand the definition of what ‘normal’ sleep might be” (p. 33).
And, I would add, if we can support parents in making informed choices regarding the sleeping practices that are best for their family.
That would help us all sleep better at night.
*****
The Parenting Carnival continues! Read more about baby sleep and reactions to this chapter from Parenting Without Borders from my fellow ring-masters:
Jessica @ School of Smock: “Sleepless in Boston and Buffalo: Colic, Co-Sleeping, and Coping”
Deb @ Urban Moo Cow: “Where Should Your Baby Sleep?”
Share your thoughts ~ a signed copy of the book Parenting Without Borders will be given away to a commenter on the Carnival posts in the next two weeks!
{Please remember to keep comments respectful ~ we can disagree without being disagreeable! 🙂 }
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