Some days, I tell myself I totally deserve a medal for managing my crazy day.
Take yesterday, for example. At 5:02 am, I woke up to screams of “MOMMY!!!!! MOMMY!!!!” I rushed into my daughter’s room to investigate the latest crisis, scraping my leg on my nightstand in the process. She was fine — she simply needed a hug.
I got myself and the kids ready, and we were out the door by 6:45am. I taught a full day, picked the kids up from school, fixed a quick dinner, and rushed out again to my daughter’s dance class.
But I probably only deserved the silver medal, because we were five minutes late to dance class. I hate being late.
I totally deserve a medal for the moments right before leaving for dance class, when my daughter hit her brother for “tattling” on her for not using soap when she washed her hands, causing him to fall off the toilet {upon which he was standing to reach the sink}. He started crying, she was screaming why her violence was justifiable, and I managed to not lose it in the midst of the loud wailing, shrieking, accusing, defending, and consoling that I knew would then make us late for dance.
Put me on the award stand, and cue the National Anthem, please!
But what kind of weird Mommy Olympics is this? Is there a scoring system, evaluating me on Compassion, Empathy, Calmness, Appropriate Response, Advance Anticipation of Potential Conflict, Acceptable Balance of Nurturing vs. Correcting, Nutritional Value of Food Consumed, and Affection?
Should we use the old “10 is the highest score” system, with Mary Lou Retton-esque perfection an attainable reality? Or the new, “a 16.3 is fantastic, but there is always something better and harder, thus there is no perfect score, so just continue pushing yourself and contorting your body until it gives out” system of the recent Olympics? {Insert evil laugh from the judge who never smiles.}
Why do we even think it’s about a medal or a reward? The things that we say we “totally deserve a medal for” generally aren’t worthy of medals. Those things are just the job. Caring for our children. Driving them to activities. Mediating disputes.
Giving myself a medal for making it through my day seems no more deserved than giving my children a medal for cleaning their room, or playing nicely together. There’s no scoring system in place.
But we crave that recognition, don’t we? I know at times I have asked my spouse, when he has informed me that he has just completed some normal, necessary, and mundane household task, “So, do you want a medal or something?” {With just a hint of snark. Okay maybe a lot.}
Should we get a medal for these things? Or at least some kind of recognition? I’ve never read that “love languages” book, but I’m certain it would reveal that my love language is words of affirmation. Even if it’s just a small word of recognition of the time, care, and effort I have put into something, it makes me feel loved and appreciated.
We have a deep human need to feel valued. We want to be seen as uniquely talented, and know that others see us that way. We want to know that the small things we do each and every day are valued.
Psychologist William James wrote that “the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
But we don’t often get that recognition. I do have several real medals and trophies, but they are from gymnastics meets, or teacher recognition events, or academic accomplishments. Not for being the “Best Butt Wiper” or having the “Most Organized Playroom.” {Though I humbly assert that I would totally rock those competitions!}
We want the medal, but it just seems odd to give it to ourselves. It’s kind of like trying to tickle yourself – it doesn’t really work. Your body says, “I know it’s just you.” The self-generated praise doesn’t feel quite as meaningful. It’s not the real thing. And it often feels arrogant and indulgent. Even narcissistic.
In fact, it’s much more common and culturally appropriate for us to be self-deprecating. To tell the story of our failures and imperfections, punctuated with a cute hashtag: #mommyoftheyear.
But our critical and even in-jest self-talk can take a toll on us. As I say over and over again, WORDS MATTER. Our self-talk MATTERS.
I’m not suggesting we make medals for the Temper Tantrum Endurance Olympics and wear them with our Phi Beta Kappa pins.
I’m suggesting we speak to ourselves with the kindness and compassion with which we speak to others.
We need to practice self-compassion.
Kristin Neff, a human development professor, documents the research on the importance of having compassion for ourselves in her book Self-Compassion. Self-compassion is often discussed in the context of holding ourselves with compassion when we fall short. But it’s also about recognizing our own goodness.
Neff argues that self-compassion is different from self-esteem. Self-esteem is an important part of our sense of self – it is about feeling worthy and capable. But Neff argues that sometimes self-esteem can become arrogance, because it is often interpreted as “I am better than others.” It can be about what separates us from others. She encourages us to develop self-compassion, and self-appreciation, to avoid that trap.
photo credit: partymonstrrrr via photopin cc
Compassion for others is about seeing our common humanity. And self-appreciation is also about honoring our common humanity. It’s about expressing gratitude for all the people and moments and actions of the universe that have made us who we are today. It helps us to see the qualities we like about ourselves in other people. Neff writes that “self-appreciation humbly honors all of creation.”
But we may not always receive recognition of our good qualities from others. “Luckily,” Neff assures us, “we can meet our deep need to be appreciated without depending on other people to appreciate us. We can acknowledge our own beauty. Not because we’re better than others, but because we are human beings expressing the beautiful side of human nature.”
So maybe we should give ourselves that medal, and make it meaningful. But we should think about what we are giving ourselves the medal for.
Our self-esteem is often tied to our accomplishments {getting an A on a paper, cooking a healthy, balanced meal, or exercising five times a week}. But if this is what we want to give the medal for, we can set ourselves up for self-criticism when we don’t accomplish those goals.
Self-appreciation focuses not so much on accomplishments, but on our goodness. Our positive qualities. Not necessarily getting the A, but appreciating our interest in learning, or our innate curiosity. Honoring ourselves for our commitment to healthy living.
Self-compassion is, according to Neff, “a way of relating to the mystery of who we are.”
So, at the end of a crazy day, I may tell myself, I totally deserve a medal for…
- Having a warm, mostly healthy dinner on the table.
- Remaining calm through a) changing my four-year-old’s poopy underwear for the third time in the day, b) navigating first-grade homework tantrums over pencils that break when they are pressed too hard on the paper, and c) moderating the latest round of “He’s looking at me”/”She’s touching me.” Bonus medal for d) all of the above simultaneously.
- Finding time in my week for parenting, teaching, reading, dancing, playing, doing yoga, taking the kids to soccer and gymnastics, lesson planning, blogging, grading, and… I know there’s one more… oh, yeah, sleeping!
But instead of making the medal about those actions, which will be done with varying levels of success each and every day, I can express compassion and appreciation for myself for my concern for my family, my dedication to my students, my greater sense of calm through practicing mindfulness, and my ability to organize my schedule to make time for the activities that are important to me. I can be mindful of my own goodness.
And the beautiful part of it is that these are all things that reveal my role in a greater, interconnected whole.
Just as we don’t want to take for granted the goodness and positive qualities of our partners, we shouldn’t take our own goodness for granted. We don’t need to wear ribbons to work proclaiming our GREAT ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS or GENUINE CURIOSITY ABOUT THE WORLD, but we can appreciate them for ourselves.
If you keep a gratitude journal, how often do you express gratitude for your own goodness, your own awesomeness? I have to admit, after reading Neff’s book, I looked through my own gratitude journal and did not see a lot of appreciation of me.
Those crazy days, the hectic life of parenting and working and living… It’s just what we do. But we are deserving of recognition for it. Even if we award it to ourselves. Even if it’s the consolation prize, we are deserving of being consoled. The Buddha said, “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” It’s not selfish, it’s not arrogant, it’s not narcissistic. It’s the treasured self-care that helps you connect to our common humanity and helps you live with compassion.
So give yourself that medal. You totally deserve it.
*****
This post is part of the Finish the Sentence Friday linkup. Click the image below to read more posts finishing the statement:
“I deserve a medal for the time I…”
Top photo credit: pennstatenews via photopin cc. Image modified with permission.
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