The quote from which this post’s headline comes is attributed to Winston Churchill, but I always think of it in connection with an episode from Cheers, in which Rebecca stated, “There is some crap up with which I will not put!”
In the wake of Diner-gate, I would have to agree that there is some crap out there up with which we should no longer put. In case you haven’t been on Facebook in the last week, I’m referring to the incident where, allegedly, a toddler was fussing in a restaurant and the owner yelled at said toddler. Afterwards, both parties took to social media with profanity-laced recaps, and the inevitable internet explosion occurred.
People were horrified an owner would yell at a patron, especially considering the patron was a one-year-old.
People lashed out at the parents for allowing their child to disturb the dining experience for others.
People congratulated the owner for enforcing the rules of her establishment.
People praised the mother of the child for insisting that the owner’s behavior was exactly how she didn’t want her child to behave.
Yes, there are much bigger things for us to worry about, much bigger things up with which we should not put – mass shootings, nuclear weapons proliferation, income inequality, and inadequate access to mental health care, to name just a few.
Yet it’s often THE LITTLE THINGS that light up the internet. Because little things — going out to eat, dealing with a screaming baby — are the things we can relate to.
And, truly, the little things are probably really at the heart of ALL THE BIG THINGS.
This post is not my attempt to take sides. It’s not really about a confrontation between an owner and a customer. It’s about the vitriol and shaming and general meanness that tend to infect us in the wake of a small thing gone viral.
So my thoughts return again to my 80’s nostalgia for a goofy but touching sitcom about our need to find a local watering hole where everybody knows our name.
That’s probably what both the owner AND the parents wanted that Saturday morning – a pleasant experience for diners, a nice family breakfast. Because really, people are all the same.
Given that, here’s one thing up with which we should no longer put:
meanness
There’s no need to ever be mean. We can be firm, we can be honest, we can say things that people may not want to hear, but we don’t have to be mean. We can be angry, but we don’t need to yell, swear at strangers, or say unkind words.
There’s always a way to communicate our feelings without hurting others. Our troubles are all the same — we all have the same fundamental needs for acceptance and security and love and all those other Maslow-hierarchy things.
The next time you’re ready to criticize someone else for their behavior (whether it’s letting a child fuss in a restaurant or yelling at a kid or the million other things people do that drive us crazy), think about which one of YOUR needs is not being met by their behavior.
Can you explain what’s going on in terms of what’s happening with YOU? Because you really don’t know what’s going on with them.
Which brings us to another thing up with which we should no longer put:
judging others
When I find myself judging another person (we all do it), I try to remind myself that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available. I really have no idea what that person has experienced. I don’t know everything that has brought them to the precise moment of our encounter.
But I do know that making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.
I know that people need our compassion far more than they need our judgment.
I know there’s a difference between “she’s a bad mother” and “that child has been crying for 30 minutes and the family is still in the diner.” There’s a difference between “she’s a terrible business owner” and “she yelled at a toddler.”
Learning to recognize when my monkey mind is making a judgment versus an observation has been huge. When we share observations, people are often willing to engage in conversation and negotiation with us. When we make a judgment, people get defensive. And the internet explodes with even more hurtful judgy-ness.
We don’t know other another person’s entire story. We don’t know what they’ve got – we just know that taking a break from all their worries sure would help a lot.
So it would help a lot if we didn’t expect things to always go exactly as we would like them to. Restaurants will be noisy, babies will cry, people will get upset with us, skies will darken, children will fight, messes will be made, plans will be cancelled, and sentences will end with prepositions.
What if we took a break from worrying about things always being perfect?
What if we met each experience with openness and acceptance, instead of judgment and criticism?
What if we decided we would no longer put up with meanness and judgment of others?
What if we decided to share kindness and empathy and support in our Facebook feed?
I predict:
… we probably won’t go viral …
… people may not remember our name …
… but they’ll be really glad we came.
- A Mindful Approach to New Year’s Resolutions - January 13, 2020
- Just This Next Step - December 16, 2019
- WAIT: A Mindfulness Practice for Waiting in Line - December 9, 2019
